The family and how it operates is very important to God. It was created and ordained by God to spread Him image across the earth. This passage was written in the context of the church, to Christian parents seeking to follow God, and to their children. There are commands to both parents and children, and the two together will create a functional family unit where children can grow and develop until adulthood.
These are very general principles that will play out differently in the specifics across the vast diversity of individual and families.
“Children” here means essentially “young dependent,” whether a small child or an older teen or anything in between. There are two instructions: obey and honor.
Parents are the law, and children are to obey them like they would obey the law. Children should understand that their parents were once children, and they all resented the authority and planned to do things differently. In the end, though, parents discover that rules are necessary, and the response of children must be to obey those rules.
Children are also to honor their parents. Obedience is the behavior, honor is the attitude and emotional response that comes with it. Honoring parents means understanding that they are not peers, but representatives of God.
The instruction to honor parents comes directly from the Ten Commandments. The commandments themselves are a breakdown of the greatest commandments – “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength” and “love your neighbor as yourself.” The first five commandments are about loving God, the second five are about loving others. Honoring your father and mother comes in the first set – honoring your parents is honoring God. It also serves as a transition from one set to the other.
The commandment comes with a promise of going well and long life. In the immediate context of the commandments, there is the actual potential of capital punishment for rebellious children, because dishonoring parents is dishonoring God. More broadly, children who obey and honor their parents do live longer, better, happier lives. They are less likely to get into drugs, crime, abusive relationships and much, much more.
This is ultimately a very practical promise, echoed across Proverbs as well. Listening to others, particularly those in authority, is wise. Doing otherwise is foolish and makes a bad end far more likely.
Paul then moves onto the parents, with instructions not to exasperate their children. Kids do not need reasons to rebel, so we are not to give them additional impetus to do so.
This can come in the form of excessive discipline or smothering. Treating all offenses equally, or failing to keep pace in discipline as children age. Constant criticism is also a temptation for all parents.
Another way to exasperate children, though, is by being overly permissive and failing to provide structure. Overindulgence will train children to expect the world to serve them. Other exasperating behavior includes neglect, withholding affection, additional manipulation, threats without discipline and more. “Unhappy families are all different.”
So how do we avoid all these pitfalls? Bringing them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Our presence itself is a key piece of this, spending quality time together.
The current generation of parents is better at this than previous. Where we tend to have trouble is the instruction side, teaching them the important, practical things that they will need in order to live, the boundaries they need to abide by in order to survive and succeed. The third component is discipline.
Presence, instruction and discipline all work together to create successful parenting. Instruction ensures that they know the rules and so are prepared for discipline when it comes, if it is consistent. Discipline is not always imposing punishment, but can also be letting natural consequences play out, letting children take risks.
When we teach children to ride bikes, we are with them (presence), we instruct them as to the process, send them off, then we let them ride, fall down, and get them back up (discipline). If we don’t have all three of these, the process will not work.
The relationship of patents and children is directly related to the children’s ultimate relationship with God. We should follow the instruction of God ourselves as we pass that instruction along, depending on the grace of Christ when we fail.
– Sermon Notes, Brent Rood, Seed Church, Lynnwood, WA
Ephesians 6:1-4
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