Ephesians, as discussed, is broken into two parts. The first part is about Christ and who he is and what he has done for us. The second part is about our relationships between each other, both generally and in the specifics. This passage looks at children and parents but has implications for everyone who lives together in community.
It’s wild to think that, despite the difficulty and importance of the job as parent, there are no qualifications or applications for the role – and the same is true for kids!
We can use dogs as a good way to look at obedience. Some dogs are motivated by food or toys – they will do what you want as long as there is something in it for you. But other dogs obey because they want to please their master. That is the kind of obedience we want to achieve – pleasing not even those in charge, but pleasing God with our obedience to earthly authorities, particularly children obeying parents. Though children are not alone in having difficulty with obedience.
But note that the verse doesn’t just say “obey your parents” but to do so “in the Lord.” We use that kind of language a lot, but what does it really mean? Jesus describes it as the branches of a vine, calling us to “abide” in him, a relationship even deeper than obedience. We want to be branches that are fully connected to the tree, that do not break in the wind or under a lot of snow. So, children shouldn’t just obey their parents because they have power over you, but because it pleases them, who you love, and God, who you love, and because “it is right.”
But what’s more, Paul points out that there is indeed a dog treat involved here! The commandment to honor father and mother comes with a promise, that “it will go well with you.” This is general wisdom, not a guarantee that all good kids get rich and live long, nor that all bad kids get their just desserts, but it is still broadly and crucially true.
We discussed last week how a good marriage is a symbiotic relationship, like a clownfish and a sea anemone. That is true in its own way of parents and children as well. We see this in Proverbs – the teaching of parents are the lamp and the light
So when is it OK not to obey parents? What if they aren’t believers? Well, no – even in those circumstances you need to obey. There are extreme exceptions – situations like denying Christ or abuse, in particular. This includes emotional abuse from parents or authority figures, insulting or calling names, and physical abuse, touching, hitting and any violence or physical action that makes you uncomfortable. As adults, we need to be receptive to it when children talk us about this sort of thing. Jesus tells us in Mark 9:42 “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.”
Then the passage shifts to parents, fathers in particular. In that culture, fathers had absolute authority over their children even into adulthood. And while mothers can struggle with this as well, fathers have a particular tendency to react in anger or other exasperating ways. This includes self-righteous or prideful anger; unrealistic expectations about their maturity level and not allowing them to fail; caring more about their material success than their spiritual well-being; impressing our passions and desires on them; cruelty through sarcasm and jokes; and certainly disengagement from our children and their lives.
Instead, we are to raise up, nourish and instruct our children, especially in this time of pandemic when so much is being expected of them.
One of the most critical ways to do this is to pass on to them a love of God’s word, which provides what we and they need to live in relationship – perhaps most importantly, grace. We also need to consider that when our children come to Christ they become our brothers and sisters in Christ. We want them to build a faith independent of our own – abiding in Christ like the branches and the vine.
This is another in a list of ways Paul gives us to “co-submit” to each other. We see this co-submission instructed to husbands and wives, now to parents and children, later to masters and slaves. Paul gives specific instructions as to how to live out that co-submission in our various relationships. But this is not the only passage that gives us guidelines for living in co-submission – all of scripture is there to teach us to do this.
This means to accomplish our goal of co-submission to each other and abiding in Christ, we need to be marinating in the Word and letting the Holy Spirit speak through that and other people into our lives.
As Paul writes elsewhere in Ephesians, we are to put off the old self and put on the new self and be renewed – whether as parents or as children.
– Sermon Notes, John Lehigh, Seed Church, Lynnwood WA, February 14, 2021